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Everyone’s Screwed on Valentine’s Day

February 14, 2012

I LOVED Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. We got to take a break in the middle of the school day and pass around cheesy (mostly Disney themed) valentines to all of our classmates. And we got to eat sugary candy for what seemed like no reason whatsoever. And EVERYONE got a card, at least at my elementary school.  Kids were not allowed to pass out cards to only a select few. And if you couldn’t afford cards, it was okay. You were still allowed to partake in the candy-eating and receive everyone else’s valentines.

Those were the days.

This year more than ever, I miss those days. It seems Valentine’s Day (for adults at least) has turned into a lesson in mediocrity. It is no longer a day to show your significant other that you appreciate them just a little extra that day. It is now about meeting an extremely low standard so that men simply do not fail. Que sad.

The Teleflora commercial that aired during the SuperBowl says it all:

“Give and you shall receive.”

All that for some flowers? If that wasn’t enough, Walgreens commercials are great in letting you know that the standard is REALLY, REALLY low. They remind you that they have boxes of chocolates and trinkety gifts even at the last minute in order to fulfill your valentine obligation.

And then there’s the second lesson in mediocrity. As Teleflora explained ever-so-subtly, if men give you a gift ladies, you’re supposed to pay them back in sex. Mediocre sex to match the mediocre gift if you’d like, but sex nonetheless.

How fucking unromantic is that?

But all of this also comes with a warning. If you hit that mediocre mark, you risk your woman realizing that you only got her that box of chocolates and roadside bouquet out of a sense of obgliation and she’ll run to the thing that can bring her the satisfaction that she’ll inevitably be lacking: the internet. According to AshleyMadison.com (the website that allows married people to find each other for extramarital affairs), the biggest day of the year for women signing up to get their freak on behind their husband’s back is February 15th.

And according this woman, it’s because the mediocre target is not enough. Instead you need to REALLY appreciate your woman on Valentine’s Day, by writing her a poem or running her a bath. Then meeting her in the bedroom with champagne.

More ugh.

While it could be the case that women are joining Ashley Madison in droves the day after Valentine’s Day because all they got was a drusgtore box of Russell Stover’s chocolates and they’re fed up, I highly doubt it. It’s more likely that Valentine’s Day shines a big, bright light on all of the things that are already wrong in the relationship. Maybe these women are NEVER appreciated by their husbands, and maybe they’re in abusive relationships but can’t seem to leave altogether. To say that women are cheating on their husbands because on ONE day their men couldn’t get it right is preposterous (I love when I get to use that word).

So, am I totally jaded? Do I believe that Valentine’s Day should be done away with? No. Not at all. Let’s remember that love is not something limited to two people who happen to be having sex with one another on a somewhat regular basis. Yes it’s cheesy but love really is one of the few resources that is not limited. We share it with family, friends, and of course our significant others. Valentine’s Day is a good day to remind everyone that you love that you do love them, because we don’t say it often enough.

Maybe we should even go back to passing out tiny, pink cards to everyone we happen to share a little bit of our lives with. That would be so nice.

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